To My Preschool Graduate, I Won't Say "I Just Want You To Be Happy"

Dear Baby J,

Today you graduated from preschool! During these four years, you learned to eat with chopsticks, put on your shoes, draw dinosaurs, write your own name, and many other things. I'm so proud of you.

At the ceremony, parents of graduates were all talking about their hopes for their children. Nine out of ten said, "I just want them to be happy." It was such a natural and easy thing to say, but I asked myself, what do I really hope for you?

If "just wanting you to be happy" is my only goal, I think I would fail many, many times. No human being is happy all the time; that is neither reasonable nor possible. Happiness is just one of many emotions. No one can commend themself to be happy, and life isn't just about happiness. "Just to be happy" is not my goal as your parent, and it's not my expectation for you.

Let me tell you, you can have unhappy times. You can fail, you can be anxious, you can be sad, you can be angry, you can be scared, you can feel ashamed, you can feel guilty. I cherish your happiness, but but I won't be disappointed in you or feel that I have failed as a mom just because you're unhappy sometimes.

Every emotion has its value. I'll always love you and accept you, whether you're happy, angry, or grouchy. I won't only like you when you're happy; I don't want you to pretend to be happy just to please me. I want you to feel each and every one of your emotions. I want you to first practice living in the moment and then practice not letting negative emotions control behavior.

I want you to know that in our home, you can be your authentic self. I expect myself to provide you with a safe space so you can express yourself freely. I will try my best to feel what you're feeling, no matter how insignificant the trigger seems to me (wrong cup color? Not being the first to hit the elevator button?).

I can't control your emotions, and I can't fix everything for you, but I can promise this: I will be by your side when you are frustrated, angry, scared, even rebellious. We'll take a few deep breaths together, and then I'll help you find out what's causing the problem, and we'll brainstorm solutions. This is what I hope for you, and this is what I expect of myself as your mom.

My expectation for you isn't "just to be happy." My expectation for you is to be honest with yourself, understand yourself, like who you really are, and be aware of your true feelings. Because the honest, authentic you is the mentally strong you--the one who can try again after failure.

May you learn to set your boundaries and respect the boundaries of others; may you never give up when things get tough; may you always stay curious and never lose sight of your true self.

Wishing you a bright future.

Unconditional Love, Mama

June 20th, 2022 in San Diego

Author's note: This letter was originally published in Chinese on Commonwealth Parenting Magazine on June 20, 2022. It's an English translation. I actually translated it for Baby J because while I grew up speaking Chinese, both Little J and Baby J are mostly English speakers.